Star Girl

Tonight after I got off work I did nothing at all. Really, nothing.
I got home, changed, sat on my dad's patio, read, and smoked cigarettes.
As day became night time, I put aside my book and did nothing.
I sat in a chair, listened to the creek across the street and gazed upon the stars.
As I gazed I thought a lot about myself; who I am, who I want to be.
I thought about where I am today and how I want to change myself for the better.
As my thoughts continued to wonder, I realized how amazing the stars really are.

I then compared the stars to moments in life.
You see, the brighter stars burn out quickly. They don't last as long as the dimmer stars; these are the moments in life where we're happy. Where time is slipping away because we have no care, we're just living in the moment carefree and spontaneous. They're the brighter memories in our life. The ones we notice, or think of easily and often. The one we want to acknowledge and reminisce upon. But then again, we have the dimmer stars. The one that burn slower and longer. When pain, stress, self-esteem, sadness, or depression can get you down. Where you feel minutes are certainly taking their time; making you feel every second. The moments we want to look past and forget about. The ones where we don't want to feel what we felt ever again.

However, we cannot look past any star.
These dim and bright stars are what make up constellations or experiences.
We must cherish each star just as we should cherish each moment.
The stars make up the universe; our moments are what make up our life.
Moments make us who we are.
They make each one of us unique and special.
Just like each star we stare at from so far away; just like we look at moments that can seem so far away.

That's all I got for tonight's thoughts.
Love, Mari Birgit

I don't even know.

So, I have this friend.
He's a wonderful man full of emotions that seem to get the best of him at the worst times. I'm not going to get into details, but I would just like to say this man is one of the best men I have ever met in my life.
His potential is higher than the sky. He has the highest respect for others, with the biggest heart possible. He has the intelligence to get him far in life, with the maturity and responsibility to keep him far in life. He's funny and spontaneous, loving and passionate. He's welcoming and nonjudgmental. He's full of ideas, and aspirations. Full of dreams, and success. He's tough and sensitive. He's one of the best friends anyone could have. He's protective and caring. Compassionate and loving. He's a gentleman with a sarcastic sense of humor. He listens, and is always there for you.
He steps in when the rest of the world walks out.

I wish he could see all of this within himself.

You're a wonderful person, and you have no idea how wonderful you are.
You're a beautiful person with so much to offer the world.
Please don't fall through the cracks.
Love, Mari Birgit

Best Friends Forever, right?

If you were at your boyfriends and missed 20 calls from your best friend, you would worry about your best friend, right? You would call back immediately making sure everything was okay, asking if they need any help or support. Asking if they just needed someone to listen to, or if they needed to meet up somewhere because you know they're hurting so badly, and need a friend. Need not only a friend, but their very best friend. You would find any way possible to get to them if they asked. You would drop everything in order to help someone you love like a sister, wouldn't you? She didn't.

If you got in a huge fight with your dad with the ending result being kicked out of your own house, what would you do? You would call your best friend. If she didn't answer, you would keep calling until she answered because all you know at that point is that you need her. Because you don't know what else to do. Because you know she's the only one who understands. Because she's the only one you've told about home problems. But then you only get a text back asking, "What's up?" Not even a call. So you text back, explaining the situation, having a tear fall after every button you push. You recieve another reply, "What did you fight about now?" You pick up the hint that she doesn't care, she's with her boyfriend. The boyfriend who hates the best friend. You text back anyways, you need your best friend. You need that other piece of family that is out there. But in the end, she ends up not leaving his house for you. Granted you have no where to go, and no one else to turn to. So you sit in your car, in the middle of some random city, checking to make sure no one is around to see you cry. To see you sit in sadness. To see you at your worst. To see you be in your most lonely state. You decide to call someone over the age of 21, to check you into a hotel for the next couple nights. And you stay there because your best friend, you realize, doesn't care about you afterall.

Ever wonder what happens when you lose your best friend? How the one person who you think understands you completely all of the sudden doesn't. How you would talk to this person as if you were going to know them until you're sitting next to them in a rocking chair, reminiscing about the good times; and all of that dreaming just vanishes.

Recently, I lost a friend. A very dear friend indeed, and for some odd reason I don't know how to react or what to think about the entire situation. Looking back, I miss it. Looking forward, I'm glad to leave it behind. How I feel at this very moment, I couldn't tell you.

How did it happen? Well, it was my fault as much as it was hers, granted I believe it was more her fault. I understand where she is coming from however. If your best friend started doing something scary and purposefully in order to remove mentally hidden scars, I'd be worried too. I'd be giving that 'motherly speech' just as much as she did. Oh how I loved her for that. In all honesty, she was a great friend. The best, at that. I'll admit, I treated her like shit sometimes on purpose. Why? Well, that's where my shitty-ness of a friend kicked in. I can't explain why, I don't know if it was to show I was better than her, or what. Looking back, I did a lot of things on purpose in order to get her jealous of me. Why? That I still can't explain because I don't even know why myself. All I can say is, I truly am figuring out my insecurities. It's still in the form of a Rubrik's Cube disaster, hopefully others can understand me from that point of view.

I'll admit to these faults. I'll admit my wrongs.
I'll admit I treated you like shit.

I just wish you would do the same.

We had a great friendship and I'll miss it, that's for damn sure.
I just wish the ending of it would of been better.
If only you understood me like I understood you.

Let me end this with what I wish. With what I hope she gets out of life.
First, I hope you find happiness in everything you do.
I hope you find your true love who loves you for who you are, your most natural self.
I hope you pursue your passions.
I hope you act yourself in every situation.
I hope you view yourself as a beautiful person, because you are.
I hope you'll find the simplest things in life the most pleasureable.
I hope you will follow your dreams.
I hope you have the courage to stand up for yourself.
I hope you continue to believe in yourself.
I hope you ... many things.

You were my best friend, and we fell apart.
I guess that's just another part of life.
Love, Mari Birgit

Sing your own song.

We all have the songs.
The song that cheers us up.
The song that makes us feel gangster.
The song that makes us hopeful.
The song that makes us cry.
The song that reminds us of the good times.
The song that embraces our childhood.
The song that we can scream along with.
The song we can belt out our worst voice.
The song that calms us down.
The song pumps us up.
The song that holds a crazy memory.
The song that makes us feel in love.
The song that puts us to sleep.
The song where you know every word.
The song you're embarrassed to admit you like.
The song that makes driving around more fun.
The song we have our first slow dance to.
The song where all you can do is dance.
The song that makes us want that 'happily ever after.'
The song we want at our wedding.
The song you can't help but listen to repeatedly.
The song you drink to.
The song you smoke to.
The song that gets stuck in our head.
The song you forget about.
The song that puts an immediate smile on our face.
The song that from that one part of a movie.
The song you made your first home music video to.
The song where you have to change the station.
The song that makes you weird.
The song you walk to.
The song you run to.
The song you write out the lyrics to.
The song you want to be your own theme song.
The song that describes you most.
The song you hate to love.
The song you love to hate.
The song you make love to.
The song you'll never forget, with the people you'll never forget.
The song you'll never forget, with the memory you'll never forget.
Love, Mari Birgit

Home for the Holidays?

The other day I decided to take a drive.
I had no destination, just the way I wanted it.
I ended up at this place simply called "The Creek." It's filled with some of my favorite childhood memories. My dad would take Shaina and I there, but only every so often. Each time, however, was like an adventure. As if the 3 of us entered our own wonderland.
I remember walking around, climbing to the top, racing from one area to the next, and discovering the beauty of nature while becoming one with it.
I don't know if it was the darkness of nighttime, shivers from the cold, or the layers upon layers of snow that made it seem so different, but something just didn't feel right about it.
The first time I revisited The Creek, once my childhood ended, was when I was a Senior in high school. I randomly rediscovered it one day and decided to take pictures there for my digital photography class. I certainly noticed the difference then because new construction has taken over a large portion of it but it still felt like a comfort zone. It felt like, a second home. But this time, it's not a second home.
I kept walking through the cold as if something would spark inside me and I would feel this comfort I've received from it in the past, but nothing sparked.
I felt alone. I didn't feel safe. I didn't feel at home.
I was constantly checking behind me, looking at the path I had just taken. It was as if I was lost in my own wonderland.
I walked up a set of stairs and noticed my pace becoming slowly faster and faster. I was running from something, but I don't know what. And till right now, that's still a mystery. All I knew was that I felt horror in my own wonderland. I was terrified, and don't know why.
I stopped, and threw myself to the first layer of snow. I didn't know what to do, what to think, or where to go. It then suddenly hit me, I was abandoned from my childhood memories.
Correction: I was abandoned from my home, and this comfort zone I thought would make me feel better only made it worse. I realized I can't get my childhood memories back, not only that but I don't think I can get my home back.
Ever since my dad got married everything has thrown me for a new loop. When I come home, I want the feeling of being home and I don't have that. It's a new home that I don't feel comfortable in. I want the feeling of a home and the only place I can get that at the moment is in Chicago with people who love me. Who care for me and will do anything for me. I'm not saying I don't have that in Minnesota, or that my family doesn't love me, but I have created myself a home in Chicago. It's my new Creek.
And all I want to do is be back there.
The Creek holds some great memories that I will forever cherish in my heart, but Chicago is the place I'm (most likely) going to spend the entire rest of my life in.
Chicago is my secure and safe comfort zone.


Chicago is my wonderland.
Chicago is my home.
Love, Mari Birgit.

Difference in me.

I am a completely different person.
I speak up for myself.

I don't take shit from anyone anymore.
If I feel like you're lying to me, I'll call you out on it.
I have no shame in what I say to people anymore, because I know I'm telling the truth.
For instance, this past summer, I called my dad to his face that he's a selfish prick.
I've never done that.
Ever.

It's crazy to see myself standing up for myself.
I've always just kept my opinions to myself to not create any problems, but I soon realized, not sticking up for myself created more problems for myself. I wasn't able to be honest with people, and for the people who trust me to be open and honest with them about anything I was lying to. And the guilt built up, quickly.
I'm usually a person who will just keep my mouth shut, but not anymore.
If I feel there's a problem, or if you make me mad in any sort of way, you'll know.
I'm not going to keep quiet anymore.
I'm going to stand up for myself and not take the criticizing.
I will not stand the pain.
And I'm damn proud of myself for using my voice.


So, here's what I'd like to say to the rest of you;
You, have a voice.
Use it,
and embrace it.




Love, Mari Birgit

Happiness

The other night, I found happiness.
I cannot really describe what it was, because it was nothing specific.
I was sitting in my room with my amazing roomie, Vanessa, and our friend Josh.
We were just sitting and talking, and bull-shitting around, and I felt like I was on top of the world.
Being happy for me, is just being with my friends, do nothing, just enjoying each others company.
After my earlier mental breakdown, I loved just being able to do nothing and hang out with people who care about me.
In Chicago I have some of my best friends.
I would die for them, I love them to death, and I....
I don't know who I would be or where I would be right now without them.
Last night, I found happiness.
And I'm not walking away from it.
Love, Mari Birgit